Pauline (linepau1) wrote in just_fuck_off,

As the new year slowly approaches, I realize it's now been a year since I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. It's an odd situation I wrote about here before. We dated online for, as I said, three years, and I found out I was really dating a girl who was 17 instead of 28. I am an 18 year old girl. Right now I don't care to go into my suspicions at the time, because I've been through it enough.

My problem is that now, it's been a year later, I'm with a new man, and it's a regular relationship, but I hate it.

Since the big break up, my ex and I have been good friends, but I find the longer I'm no longer dating her, the more I hate it. I was very against same sex relationships for myself before her, and she knew it. Which is why we never stayed together. I fully support gay relationships for anyone else, but with myself and my family... it would cause more issues.

I miss her so much, and she knows it. She misses me to an extent, but won't show it. I only know because another friend of mine spoke to her, and she told her. I would kill for another chance with her, but she's not willing to try, because she thinks nothing could go back to the way they were with us.

In the 4 years I've known her, I've tried so hard to keep her and our relationship good and strong, whether it be for love or friendship. I just hate that I'm so willing to go back to her, defy all my parents, family, and religion has ever told me, just so I could be with her and make her happy, but I spend my day hearing about guys she'll never see or have a chance with.

I hate it SO much. I always tried hard for her. I forgave her for so much even before this, and now she's left me in a situation where I can't fight for her back, and I can't fight for my boyfriend back because he doesn't exist.

Do you know how much it hurts to type "he doesn't exist", when for three years, he was the only real thing in my life?

I know I'm only 18, and maybe I'll move on eventually, but dear god I don't want to. The more I move on to other relationships, the more I know in my heart that I was in love. So many people have told me it's impossible to love someone in an online relationship... but most of them have never been in one.

How can she let go so easily, while I fight so hard? Why can't I just let go? There are more fish in the sea. More appropriate fish in the sea...

When we broke up, she said "I know you don't date girls..." and I said no, but I spent 4 days trying to change myself and the way I think, and get past how everyone would react, so that I could be with her. I done it... and she wouldn't take me back. Yet she says she did love me. How do you love someone for three years, and tell them no?

I'm so shattered and heartbroken, but if she'd just take me back, it would all be worth it
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Because one of the best things you can do when you love someone, is to let them go.

True love knows no boundaries, but true love will also sacrifice it's own happiness for the happiness of someone else.

She loves you, and wants you to be happy. She knew that you didn't date girls, therefore she had no chance with you. So she let you go, knowing that you couldn't conform to the relationship, and now that you've realized it was love, you want it back.

Nothing can ever be the same as it once was. It's like being in a car accident. Once you're in one, your body is different. You'll never be the same as you once were- you might be close, but you'll always have pains that nothing can ever take away from you.

I know what internet relationships are like. I know how it is to be completely in love with someone and then have them break your heart. It hurts. More than someone IRL doing it does, because you've put so much trust into something that can't be proven, and when it's proved to be untrue.. it just.. hurts.

Having your trust shattered hurts.
I've been doing that. I've sacrificed the entire year. I've sat back, seen her go try life with someone new and it never works out. I know I can let her be happy if she is happy alone or with someone else, but I donno. It's just hard right now because I grew up with her in my life as close as anyone will ever get. I've never been this long since we started dating, knowing I was without her.

I understand perfectly what I have to do. It's just hitting hard that it's been a year, and I know it's never going to happen. I guess I just needed a good vent about it. Friends never know what to say.

Thank you for understanding and taking the time to comment the way you did. It means a lot when, as I said, most friends don't know what to say, and most people leave the journals alone to rot.

Happy New Year =)
You too. :)