Pauline (linepau1) wrote in just_fuck_off,

As the new year slowly approaches, I realize it's now been a year since I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. It's an odd situation I wrote about here before. We dated online for, as I said, three years, and I found out I was really dating a girl who was 17 instead of 28. I am an 18 year old girl. Right now I don't care to go into my suspicions at the time, because I've been through it enough.

My problem is that now, it's been a year later, I'm with a new man, and it's a regular relationship, but I hate it.

Since the big break up, my ex and I have been good friends, but I find the longer I'm no longer dating her, the more I hate it. I was very against same sex relationships for myself before her, and she knew it. Which is why we never stayed together. I fully support gay relationships for anyone else, but with myself and my family... it would cause more issues.

I miss her so much, and she knows it. She misses me to an extent, but won't show it. I only know because another friend of mine spoke to her, and she told her. I would kill for another chance with her, but she's not willing to try, because she thinks nothing could go back to the way they were with us.

In the 4 years I've known her, I've tried so hard to keep her and our relationship good and strong, whether it be for love or friendship. I just hate that I'm so willing to go back to her, defy all my parents, family, and religion has ever told me, just so I could be with her and make her happy, but I spend my day hearing about guys she'll never see or have a chance with.

I hate it SO much. I always tried hard for her. I forgave her for so much even before this, and now she's left me in a situation where I can't fight for her back, and I can't fight for my boyfriend back because he doesn't exist.

Do you know how much it hurts to type "he doesn't exist", when for three years, he was the only real thing in my life?

I know I'm only 18, and maybe I'll move on eventually, but dear god I don't want to. The more I move on to other relationships, the more I know in my heart that I was in love. So many people have told me it's impossible to love someone in an online relationship... but most of them have never been in one.

How can she let go so easily, while I fight so hard? Why can't I just let go? There are more fish in the sea. More appropriate fish in the sea...

When we broke up, she said "I know you don't date girls..." and I said no, but I spent 4 days trying to change myself and the way I think, and get past how everyone would react, so that I could be with her. I done it... and she wouldn't take me back. Yet she says she did love me. How do you love someone for three years, and tell them no?

I'm so shattered and heartbroken, but if she'd just take me back, it would all be worth it
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